


A Little Boy- Talks like a grown up, kind of a jerk

by namupokemanchan



Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ableism, Ableist Language, Abusive Reginald Hargreeves, Autistic Number Five | The Boy, Bad Touch, Corporal Punishment, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Medical Procedures, Non-Consensual Touching, Number Five | The Boy Has Haphephobia, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Number Five | The Boy has PTSD, Number Five | The Boy-centric, Past Child Abuse, Service Dogs, Touch adverse, adult character in child body, and men - Freeform, five is a sassy asshole, five is scared of women, he will cry if you touch him, reginald is an ableist trash fire who i will fight, semi nonverbal character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:33:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26822218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/namupokemanchan/pseuds/namupokemanchan
Summary: Due to an uncomfortable altercation with a nosy neighbor,  Number Five ends up enrolled in an elementary school. A sixty year old man surrounded by ten year olds, his idea of hell.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Allison Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Mr. Pennycrumb, Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy) & Everyone
Comments: 97
Kudos: 299





	1. First day

**Author's Note:**

> Five's a history nerd who wants to kill everyone but also never wants to look at a person ever again.

_Modern day children’s clothing are disgustingly demeaning_ Number Five thought, discarding another outfit that Allison had bought for him.

  
“What’s wrong with jeans?” Allison asked impatiently. “Everyone wears jeans, Five.”

  
He rolled his eyes for the ninth time that morning. “While everyone might be content looking like a Industrial Revolution era farmer, I am not.”

  
“If you’re going to complain about every outfit, you’re going to be late for school,” Klaus pointed out, leaning against the door frame of Allison’s bedroom.

  
Five scowled. “I still don’t get why I have to go to an elementary school.” He said elementary school the same way most people say gangrene.

  
“Because,” Allison explained, pulling a pair of overalls out of the closet, which Five quickly rejected, “Our lovely neighbours have complained about an unsupervised minor alone here during school hours. It’s this or some foster home.”

  
“And we would hate to lose you, mein kleiner bruder.” Klaus went to pinch Five’s cheek but stopped at a murderous look from him.

  
“I think I’d rather end up at a foster home with The Monocle 2.0 then have to wear that.” Five pointed at the teddy bear t-shirt Allison was holding up.

  
She sighed and dropped it back on the fast growing pile of rejected clothes. “Well you have to pick something, Five.”

  
He frowned but his highly advanced eyes brightened when he noticed something sticking out of Allison’s closet. Climbing off the bed, Five spacial jumped to the closet, grabbing a black and white dress in his size on a hanger. “This!”

  
While Klaus was cooing over how pretty the dress was, Allison crouched down to Five’s height. “Are you sure you want to wear a dress? I mean, kids might be mean…”

  
“Allison, he’s a badass bitch who doesn't need a man! Also I’m pretty sure he could kill anyone who looked at him weird,” Klaus decided. Despite his small stature, Five was almost as strong as Luther and had killed more people than the rest of his family combined.

  
The tiny murderer smiled. “Exactly, although I try not to kill children. Anyways, in the fifteenth century-”

  
Allison cut him off before he could give them a lecture about fashion. “Yeah, yeah, kings or something all wore dresses. Hurry up and get dressed, Five.”

  
Ten minutes later, Five was teleporting to the breakfast table, the lacy white hem of his dress fluttering around his knees.

  
Luther looked up from his cup of coffee. “Nice dress.” It was obviously a genuine compliment, he didn’t fully understand sarcasm. “You know you can’t do that at school, right?”

  
Five snatched his brother’s cup of coffee away from him and took a sip. “You know the moon landing was faked, right?”

  
“What? No it wasn’t-”

  
“Denial, the first sign of grief,” Five tutted, putting the almost empty coffee cup back on the table. “Let’s get this over with, Allison.”

  
His purple haired sister smiled and handed him a baby blue backpack with a rainbow on it. “I already packed everything you need.”

  
“Did you happen to include a revolver so I can put myself out of my misery?” Five deadpanned.

  
“Very funny. Klaus is coming with us so-”  
Five sighed loudly. “Are you trying to make this a living hell? I have to be ordinary and be around Klaus? Now I understand why Vanya tried to kill you.”

  
Allison noticed Luther moving to stand up and she gave him a look. They really didn’t need a fight right now. “He doesn’t have to come if that would make it easier for you.”

  
Her smallest brother narrowed his eyes. “No, you can have your nuclear family fantasy, just don't expect me to call you my mother.”

  
His sister made a face and opened the front door so Five could leave infront of her. “I don’t think either of us want that.”

  
Five’s gaze landed on the bright purple BMW convertible parked in front of the academy. “So I can’t use my powers because I can’t draw attention to myself but you can drive me to school in that?”

  
Allison ignored his tone and dropped the rainbow backpack in the backseat, climbing into the driver’s seat next to Klaus, who had his feet up on the dashboard. She smacked Klaus’s legs until he moved them and then turned to Five. “You want to make friends, right?”

  
“Do ten year olds care about cars?” Klaus asked, turning around in his seat to watch Five climb into the backseat. “If they do, it might cancel out the bullying you get from the dress, kiddo.”

  
Five glared at his brother. “No one is going to bully me. I’ve known how to dislocate every possible joint since before I could dress myself.”

  
Allison and Klaus exchanged glances. “Yeah, about that…” Allison said slowly, her tone indicating bad news, “We thought it’d be smart if you started taking these. Just in case, you know? So no accidents happen.”

  
She held up a bottle of pills and Five instantly recognized the “anxiety medication” Vanya had started taking since before she could talk. He scowled at Allison and crossed his arms across his chest.  
“Hell no. I am not going to be ordinary and there is nothing you can do about it!”

  
The neighbour who had reported them for child neglect peeked over their fence at the sound of Five’s yell and Allison smiled and waved at her. “Nothing’s happening! Just taking him to school!”

  
Five noticed the neighbour watching. “I’m being kidnapped!”

  
Allison panicked and blurted out “I heard a rumor that you don’t believe him!”

  
The woman’s eyes glazed over briefly and then she smiled. “Children are delightful, aren’t they?”

  
“They really are,” Allison agreed, glaring daggers at Five.

  
Five was pouting in the back seat after begrudgingly taking the pills he was offered, glaring at his shoes as Allison put the car in drive. He could feel the power suppressants taking effect and he absolutely hated the feeling. Five felt as powerless as any normal child, completely defenseless without an adult’s help. He sighed dramatically and kicked the back of Klaus’s seat, sighing louder. “This is bullshit.”

  
“Don’t I know, meine kleine blume," Klaus said in what was supposed to be a sympathetic tone. He took a swig from a flask in his coat and ruffled Five's hair before his hand was smacked away. Klaus laughed and moved his hand. "That shit didn't even hurt. We should always keep you on those pills, kiddo."

  
Five scowled again. A frown was becoming as much a feature of his face as his candy blue eyes and the thin white scar on his cheek from god only knows what.

  
The drive to John Perseus IX elementary school wasn’t longer than twenty minutes but it felt like an eternity, particularly to someone newly bound by the normal capabilities of time. Allison got out of the BMW with Five but left Klaus because he was thoroughly and completely drunk at 8 am on a tuesday.

  
“Have fun Fiver!” Klaus called too loudly before reclining his seat back as far as he could, laughing vaguely.

  
Allison rolled her eyes and grabbed Five’s hand. Instantly, he tried to yank it away and she begrudgingly let him. “Fine, but we have to look somewhat like a functioning family.”

  
Five wiped his hand off on his dress. “We can lie to the government without you touching me."

  
“We’re not lying to the government,” Allison said, annoyance tangible in her voice.

  
After giving a boy who couldn’t be older than six a look that could kill, Five turned back to her. “Really? So we’re a normal, happy family and I’m a ten year old boy who doesn’t want to kill everyone who looks at me?”

  
“You want to kill everyone who looks at you?”

  
“Well not everyone. Marilyn Monroe can look at me any day.” Five smiled slightly, following Allison up the steps to the school’s front entrance.

  
The door was opened by an unsettlingly tall white woman with fake looking dyed hair and violently red lips. She looked more like the queen of hearts than someone who should be working with children and Five instinctively moved behind Allison. Her surprisingly big eyes rested on her and she beamed, her lips revealing unnaturally white teeth. “Mrs. Hargreeves, right?”

  
Allison forced a smile. “Just Allison is fine, Miss Williams.”

  
Miss Williams smiled wider if that was even possible. “Right, Allison! We talked on the phone the other day.”

  
She noticed Five hiding behind Allison. “Is this the little hellraiser I’ve heard so much about?”

  
Five scowled. He was hardly little and Allison had no business telling women who looked like hungry pelicans about his personality. Miss Williams unsettled him but Five would be damned if he didn't make a good impression. He held out his hand to her. "Agent Number Five Hargreeves, perfect kill rating."

  
Allison laughed uncomfortably. "He's got a big imagination. Kids, right?"

  
Miss Williams smiled good-naturedly. "She's adorable."

  
Five sighed and followed her and Allison into the school, glaring at the children who looked at him. He folded his arms over his chest and looked down at the floor, trying to avoid eye contact. Five was starting to regret wearing a dress, even though he very much liked how it looked.

  
Recognizing his behavior as something Claire exhibited on her first day of school, Allison moved between him and Miss Williams in an attempt to give Five some space.

  
This place looks like a clown brothel, Five thought, looking at the bad elementary school art and inspirational posters that didn’t quite make sense on the walls. Kids still outside classrooms kept staring at him, particularly at his clothes which more fit a girl from an 18th century boarding school, not a boy in 2019.

  
Miss Williams kept her unnatural smile plastered to her face as she led Five and Allison to the sixth grade classroom at the end of the hall, keeping up a string of unnecessary conversation that Five completely tuned out and Allison only responded to with polite smiles and nods. They finally reached the pink door at the end of the hall and Five felt the tight claws of anxiety in his stomach. He dug his nails into the straps of his backpack, mentally preparing himself for the emotional ordeal that was children.

  
_I bet I could fake a brain aneurysm_ , Five thought as the door opened. _I could collapse and no one would be able to tell the difference._

  
The teacher who opened the door was surprisingly handsome. At least a foot taller than Five with light coppery bronze skin, deep brown eyes and shoulder length black hair tied back into a bun and a five o’clock shadow of stubble that slightly obscured his smile lines. He smiled at Five, who looked up at him like he’d never seen a human person before.

  
“Number Five, right?” His voice had an accent Five didn’t recognize.

  
Allison poked Five’s shoulder. He blinked, looking around. “Oh, ah, yes. I’m Number Five. Hargreeves. Number Five Hargreeves.”

  
The man laughed but not as though he was mocking Five. "Pleasure to meet you, Number Five Hargreeves. I'm going to be your teacher, my name is Mr Roux."

  
Five smiled awkwardly and played with the sleeve of his dress, mumbling something under his breath.

  
Allison smiled at Mr Roux and squeezed Five’s shoulder. “He’s a handful, but he’s a real sweet kid. You gonna be okay, Five?”

  
He nodded, still staring at his new teacher. After Allison and Miss Williams left, Mr Roux turned back to Five. “Are you okay with being called Five?”

  
Another nod.

  
“Great! Your seat is at the purple table next to Jacob.”

  
The purple table was at the back of the classroom and three kids were sitting around it. A pale girl with two long blonde braids, a freckled boy with black hair and a spiderman shirt and a black girl with beaded box braids. Five sat down next to the boy, Jacob and hugged his backpack to his chest.

  
“Are you a boy?” Jacob asked, leaning over the table to stair at him.

  
Five blinked. “Um, yes.”

  
“You look like a girl.”

  
The blonde girl poked Jacob. “No he doesn’t, he looks pretty.”

  
He poked her back. “He’s wearing a dress. Girls wear dresses.”

  
Five perked up at the opportunity to prove someone wrong. “Actually, from the fifteen hundreds to the eighteen hundreds, boys used to wear dresses as children.”

  
Jacob stared at him. “You still look like a girl.”

  
Mr Roux snapped his fingers and they both looked up. “Jacob, Five, let’s pay attention now, alright?”

  
Five scowled and turned away from Jacob. Mr Roux was looking a lot less pretty than he did before. He sighed under his breath and hugged his backpack to his chest, staring at the whiteboard Mr Roux was writing on.

It was going to be a very long six hours.


	2. You Gotta Wear The Uniform If You Wanna Sell The Cookies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five really, really doesn't like being touched

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for mild homophobia, someone punches a wall and blood

Six hours, six classes, three recesses, one lunch period and two scraped up knees later, Five was sitting in the back of Allison’s BMW. He was scowling and hugging his backpack in a death grip.

Sensing his volatile mood, Allison didn’t say anything until she parked the car in front of the academy. She opened the back door of the BMW and Five stomped out of the car and up the stairs, trying to put as much detectable anger into his tiny footsteps as he could as he dragged his backpack after him.

Allison sighed and unlocked the front door. “How was your day, Five?”

He didn’t say anything for a few moments, clutching his backpack in his shaking hands. “He put me in the time out tent,” Five said, his voice quiet with deadly anger as he sat down on the couch in the living room.

Diego sat up. Apparently he had been lying down behind the couch, throwing knives into the ceiling. “The what?”

“The goddamn time out tent, Diego.”

Diego cackled and turned to the staircase. “Klaus! Fivers got put in the time out tent!”

There was the sound of a chair or table falling over, a glass shattering and Klaus swearing loudly. “The time out tent?”

Five scowled at Diego and kicked him hard in the leg. "You are the bane of my existence."

Diego laughed again and poked Five. "You love me."

The smaller boy looked visibly uncomfortable and Allison cut over Diego before a fight broke out. "Di, don't be an ass. Five had a hard day and-"

Five glared at Allison and climbed up from the couch, throwing his backpack on the floor. "Don't fucking patronize me, Allison!"

She sighed and watched him stomp up the stairs. Claire was never as easy to set off as him. Touch, emotions, blonde women, bright colours, squishy textures, loud noises; so many things ruined his mood so suddenly. There was the sound of a door slamming loudly and a high pitched scream followed by something slamming against drywall and the sound of crying. 

Diego blinked. "What the hell was that about?"

“I have absolutely no idea.” She had some kind of an idea.  
“Should someone like… check on him or something?” Diego asked, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Probably not. He needs some time to cool down, you know. Cry it out. Claire used to get like that sometimes.”

Five didn’t cry very often but when he did, he could cry for at least an hour. His knuckles were even more bruised and bloody than his knees and there was a bloody patch the size of his fist on the wall. Sniffling, Number Five wiped his eyes and nose on his sleeve.

School was some stupid fucking bullshit.

He took a shaky breath and hugged himself, fiddling with the lace hem on his dress. What was wrong with him? Why had he freaked out so much during class?

During recess, one of the boys from the higher up grades called him gay and pushed him into the pavement which was the cause of his bloody knees but not entirely the cause of his bad mood. Mr Roux had taken him to the nurse’s office and Five had told the nurse that he had tripped. He had never interacted with children before but he knew that snitches get stitches. 

No, the worst part wasn’t the harassment or the blood; the worst part was the touch. When the nurse touched Five’s leg, it felt like the worst thing he had ever felt in his life. Like fire or acid or knives in his legs. Diego’s touch wasn’t quite as bad, but it still felt horrifying. 

And Allison’s touch. She was somewhere between a cold metal pole and wet concrete. Not awful, but not wanted. 

Five kicked off his shoes and pulled the blanket off his bed, wrapping it around his shoulders like a wizard. He smiled to himself at the thought but his smile quickly faded when he remembered that he wasn’t able to use his powers anymore. 

He blew out a big huff of air and hugged himself again. Stupid Allison and stupid Mr Roux and stupid nurse Alice and stupid, stupid, stupid Reginald Hargreeves. Five could feel tears bubbling up in his eyes again and he let them fall. It didn’t matter anymore. 

Vanya had been napping when Five had slammed the door. Her physiotherapy took a lot out of her so she now slept about twelve hours a day, nine at night and three in the afternoon. She was confused about who had slammed the door until she heard the fist connecting with the drywall and the quiet sobbing. Only Five had bursts of aggressive anger followed by tearful breakdowns.

She sighed and climbed out of bed, pulling on a sweater. Five wasn’t going to emotionally support himself. 

Grace had left a plate of cookies on Vanya’s desk which remained uneaten so she decided to bring them. As their mother always said: “Good food makes everything feel better!” Vanya smiled to herself as she shuffled down the hall to her older brother’s room. She loved her family. 

Knocking on the door got no response, so Vanya pushed it open to reveal a shaking blanket pile on the floor. A tear streaked face peeked out of the pile and Vanya smiled sympathetically, sitting down a few feet away from Five. “Cookies.”

Five nodded. Yes, those were cookies. 

Neither of them said anything for a few seconds but Vanya pushed the plate closer to him. Five hesitated before taking a cookie. 

It was a good cookie. Still slightly warm with the right type of chocolate and just chewy enough to be edible but hard enough to be palatable. The cookie felt safe to Five. Still chewing, he wiped his eyes but he still didn’t feel up to talking. He grabbed another cookie, looking away from Vanya. 

“Rough day.” It wasn’t a question.

Five nodded, chewing his second cookie. Rough didn’t cover it.

Vanya took a cookie and bit into it. “Shitty people are the worst,” she said while chewing. Vanya rarely followed traditional manners and Five liked that about her.

He smiled for the first time since the morning. They were the worst. Vanya understood him. Five finished his cookie and wiped the crumbs off his face before wrapping his blanket tighter around himself. 

“You look like a burrito,” Vanya observed, finishing her cookie.

Five laughed for the first time in days. “Thanks Vanya.”

She smiled back at him. “Of course, burrito. Finish your cookies.” Vanya got to her feet, satisfied with their interaction.

You can’t push intimacy with Five. He’ll let you in when he wants you too, and even then you can’t touch him. 

He doesn’t like touch but he does like cookies.


	3. Smile for the Picture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five makes a friend and rediscovers fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for bruises, blood, panic attacks and non consensual touching

The next day was school picture day. Five was prepared. He had showered using Allison’s fancy shampoo that smelled like what he thought Marilyn Monroe would smell like, brushed his teeth for the first time that week and decided to wear his umbrella academy uniform. His uniform was familiar and it smelled like Dolores.

Allison knocked on the bathroom door, poking her head in. ¨You ready, kid- Uh, Five?¨

Five scowled at her slip up. “No, Allison, I'm not ready. It takes time to look this good.”

“You look like a baby in a suit!” Klaus called from the hallway and Five huffed. 

“You people are the bane of my existence, the reason for my suffering, the only thing between me and-”

Allison cut across him. “Yeah, yeah, Klaus is the worst.” It was always best to interrupt Five’s speeches before they got longer than they needed to be. 

“Don’t sell yourself short, Allison,” Five continued. “You can be plenty torturous when you want to be.”

“Said the dumbass who showered for the first time in two weeks.”

“At least it wasn’t the first time in forty five years. We count our blessings here, darling.” He smirked as he quoted their mother, tightening his tie as he did so. “Speaking of blessings, what waste of calories am I supposed to attempt to palate this morning?”

“Oatmeal.” She barely got the word out before her brother made a noise like a dying cat choking on mud.

“You people must be trying to kill me.” His tone better fit the discovery of a plot to assassinate him, not the discovery that the only hot food in the house made him want to peel his skin off at the thought of touching it. 

Well, maybe his tone did fit the situation. “Ah well, I think I saw a rat in the old man’s office.”

Allison made a face. “You can’t seriously prefer rats to oatmeal.”

“I’d prefer foot and mouth disease to oatmeal.” He looked dead serious. “I’ll stick to coffee, thank you very much.”

Five adjusted his hair part in the bathroom mirror and Allison felt a pang of longing? Regret? Desperation? She wasn’t sure, she just knew she missed her daughter and Five reminded her of Claire when he wasn’t being the incarnation of Satan. 

Allison smiled sadly and tucked the corners of Five’s dress shirt that were coming up back into his dress shorts. He froze almost imperceptibly but let Allison adjust his clothes. Smiling, she squeezed his shoulders lightly.

“You look super handsome, Five.” There was no detectable trace of sarcasm but he had never been good at detecting sarcasm. 

Five smirked and finished buttoning up his blazer. “You look like a ruined barbie doll from 1977.”

Allison laughed. Five showed affection with good natured teasing. At least she hoped he did, her hair took a lot of work to maintain. 

He smiled at his reflection and jumped down from the stool he had pushed against the bathroom counter. Five sauntered down the stairs with the same arrogant sassiness that he had insulted Allison with. 

The only people at the breakfast table were Vanya who was drinking a cup of tea and Klaus who was not so subtly rolling a joint under the table. Vanya looked up and smiled at Five when he walked into the room. "Hi Number Five."

He nodded at her and poured himself a cup of coffee. "Vanya."

Klaus licked the seam of his joint and finished rolling it. "Hey Fivers."

Five didn't respond and simply took a sip from his cup of coffee, staring out the window. The leaves had started turning a crunchy golden brown, the colour of toffee and croissant crusts. He hadn't seen leaves change colours since he was a child and it made him smile. Five held his coffee in both hands, embracing the warmth and ambiance of the morning. 

After he had finished his coffee, Five followed Allison out to the car, making sure to crunch every single leaf on the walkway. He smiled to himself. The crunchy leaves made a good sound with a nice texture. 

_Crunch crunch crunch_ , Five thought. 

Today was going to be a good day. 

\-----

Miss Williams was as aggravating as ever. She had lipstick on her teeth and it was a bad colour. Blood red. 

Five hid his bruised fingers in his pocket. Sharks could smell blood. 

Jacob noticed his hand. "Did you get in a fight?"

Five scowled at Jacob. He was wearing a black sweater with dark blue jeans. Five didn't want to like anything about Jacob but the sweater was very nice. "No."

"Then what's wrong with your hand?"

The blonde girl poked Jacob. Five had learned that her name was Angel. "Don't be mean, Jake."

"I'm not being mean, there's something wrong with his hand."

Five pulled his hand out of his pocket and held up his middle finger. "What's wrong with your face?" It wasn't his best comeback but it would do. 

"Number Five Hargreeves!" Five flinched at the loud voice of Miss Williams. She had been at the front of the classroom explaining school picture day to the class when she had seen Five give Jacob the finger. "What are you doing?"

Five glared at her. Stupid red and blonde and loud. "Sign language?"

The girl with beaded braids giggled. No one else appreciated his wit and sarcasm. 

Mr Roux sighed. "Time out, Five." He pointed at the small tent in the front corner of the classroom. 

Five glared at his handsome teacher and dragged his feet as he walked to the time out tent. This was biphobia, this was a personal attack, this was hate speech, this was-

This was a child sized tent on a classroom floor that smelled like mothballs. He sighed, rubbing the toe of his shoe on the stitch seam of the tent. Five added mothballs to his mental list of awful things, right below Miss Williams' smile. She looked like a shark that had just finished eating a seal, traces of blood still on her face. 

Five shivered, resisting the urge to run his hands through his hair. He still wanted to look nice for his picture. 

He was finally let out of the tent when the class went down to the photo studio set up in the gym. The girl with the braids waited for Five, falling into step next to him. Neither of them said anything until they reached the gymnasium doors. 

"I'm Dolly." She was very quiet and looked at Five's shoes when she said it. 

Five looked up. He had never heard her talk before and he hadn't expected her voice to sound like that. "What?"

"My name." 

"Like the country singer?" 

Dolly giggled and nodded. The beads in her hair clinked together when her braids moved. That was a very good sound. 

"Your hair sounds like leaves," Five observed. It didn't sound exactly like leaves but it felt the same feeling wise. 

She smiled, accepting the compliment. Leaves were a nice thing to be compared to.

The pictures were not at all what Five expected. There was a stool in front of a green screen surrounded by bright lights and umbrella shaped flashes. 

Five could feel anxiety rising in his chest. There were seven kids in front of him. 

**Flash!** Six kids in front of him. Five took his hands out of his pockets and pulled on the bottom of his jacket. 

**Flash!** Five kids. He started kicking the floor hard, the rubber sole making a _squeaksqueaksqueak_ sound. 

**Flash!** Four kids. Mr Roux told him to stop squeaking. The anxiety was worse. He didn't want to stop squeaking. He liked squeaking!

**Flash!** Three kids. Five wiggled his fingers in his pockets but he wanted to kick the floor again. He kicked the ground again. 

**Flash!** Two kids. The flash was too bright and the camera was too loud. He felt sorry for Marilyn Monroe. 

**Flash!** Dolly was walking towards the stool to get her picture taken. He didn't want her to go, he wanted to hear her laugh again. 

**Flash!** It was his turn. Five was going to get his picture taken. He was going to walk to the stool and get his picture taken but his legs weren't moving. Blinking quickly, Five tried to reorientate himself. 

Okay! Walk to the stool, sit down, get your picture taken. Okay. 

He walked over to the stool, trying to go as fast as he could to get it over with. Five clambered up on to the stool, kicking his legs against the bar on the stool. 

The photographer smiled at him. "Hey darling, can you sit still?"

He was tapping his fingers on his knees and still kicking the bar. Five hadn't even realized he was moving. "Um- yeah, sure."

He sat still. His foot twitched and he kicked the bar again. The lights were staring down on him, the camera was pointed at him and Miss Williams and Mr Roux were watching him. Five's hands were shaking and he could feel his heart pounding so he kicked the stool bar again. 

He felt a bit better so he kicked the bar again and the photographer sighed, pushing her glasses up her nose. "Can someone like, hold him down?"

_**Hold him down.** _

Five couldn't hear anything. He couldn't think, he couldn't breathe, the only thing he could feel was cold hands grabbing him. 

_**Heart rate 70 over 40.** _

Someone was screaming. He wasn't sure who it was but it sounded like a little boy. 

_**Administering anesthesia.** _

Oh. Five was the one screaming. "No! No no no no no! Please!"

The hands could not be reasoned with. The hands didn't care what he wanted. 

Most people didn't. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor baby


	4. Fortune cookies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet our favorite pupper and Vanya almost throws hands

Vanya was curled up in an armchair she had found at an estate sale, reading one of Grace's cookbooks. The chair smelled like bourbon and old cigars and the cookbook smelled like vanilla and vintage perfume. Vanya smiled sadly. This was probably the closest thing she’d have to a hug from her parents.

Not that she ever wanted to touch her father, particularly since he was buried and half rotten but the gesture would have been nice. She’d also like to hit her father.

The phone in the library rang and Vanya picked the old bronze and black thing out of its cradle. “Hargreeves residence, Vanya speaking,” she said in her best middle aged upper class single mother phone voice. 

“Hi Vanta.” That wasn’t her name. “Are you uh- Number Five’s legal guardian?” The voice on the other end sounded rushed and slightly panicked. 

“Yeah, one of them.” Apart from Klaus for obvious reasons, all of her siblings had been appointed as the legal guardians of their older brother. 

“Great, that’s great. He’s in the hospital.” The voice was inappropriately relieved. 

“He’s what?” Vanya’s voice was bordering on yelling when she stood up from the chair. A few books fell off the shelves. 

“He’s in the children’s ward of the John Perseus IX Memorial Hospital.” 

Who the fuck keeps naming places after a capitalist who tried to murder her family? There isn’t a Lex Luther Memorial Hospital. But there were more pressing concerns at the moment. “What happened to Five?”

“Principal Williams touched him and-”

Vanya didn’t hear the rest of the sentence. Those fucking idiots! You can’t touch him when he’s scared. She clenched her fist that wasn’t holding the phone and more books fell off the shelves. “You’re not supposed to touch him.”

“Excuse me, miss?” The woman on the other end sounded annoyed, probably because Vanya had interrupted her. 

“Five. He doesn’t like to be touched.”

She had a very punchable voice so Vanya assumed she had a very punchable face. "No kid his age likes to be touched, but he was moving when he was getting his picture taken."

Vanya scowled and another book fell off the shelf. She wasn't about to explain haphephobia to this bitch. "Fine."

\------

The bed was warm and soft and smelled like drugs. Five smiled to himself, pushing his face deeper into the pillow. He wasn't ready to open his eyes yet. 

There was the sound of footsteps and Five looked up. A petite woman with warm looking brown and black hair wearing a nurse's dress had entered the room. "Oh good, you're up." Her voice sounded like melted chocolate. "You really scared us, Mr Hargreeves."

Mr Hargreeves. Five beamed at her, sitting up in his hospital bed. He liked this nurse very much. "Uh, what happened, exactly?" His memories of the event were very muddled and blurry. 

"All in due time, Hargreeves. When was the last time you ate?"

He thought for a few moments. "My sister made me cookies yesterday."

The nurse sighed and sat down on one of the chairs next to the bed. "If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?"

"Spring rolls, chicken fried rice and a shirley temple?" It sounded more like a question than a request. 

The nurse smiled. It was a good smile. Her teeth didn't show, she had dimples and it showed in her eyes. "I'll see what I can do."

\----

Five had finished his food and was talking to the nurse, who's name he'd learned was Darcy Clemmens when his family showed up. Diego and Luther waited in the hall and Klaus was at home while Allison and Vanya went in to visit Five. 

Allison sat in one of the chairs while Vanya plopped down on the end of the bed. "How are you feeling, Five?" Allison asked, her voice edged with worry. 

He thought for a moment. "I feel like another Shirley Temple." 

Vanya slid off the bed. "I'll get you one from the cafeteria."

They sat in silence for a few seconds before Allison spoke up. "Luther got you a blue teddy bear."

Five leaned back on his pillows. "Damn. I should faint after… sensory overload triggered PTSD meltdowns more." He glanced at Darcy and she nodded to confirm what he said was accurate. 

His sister sighed. "What even happened? How do you have a breakdown in an elementary school?"

Darcy answered instead of him. "Someone touched him which triggered sensory overload and a flashback based off of a traumatic memory."

Allison felt like her heart was being ripped out. The idea of someone hurting Five, someone touching him with the intent to hurt him was the most disgusting thought imaginable. "Are you okay?"

Five blinked. Was he okay? He wasn't scared that he was going to be touched again but he still felt nauseous and weak. He pulled the puppy and balloon patterned blanket up to his chest. "I guess."

Allison smiled sadly and kissed her hand before pressing it to the edge of the blanket. "It's okay to not be okay, Fivers."

He hugged his blanket hard, pulling it up to his face. The hospital gown was at least two sizes too big and he looked even smaller than he already did. "I don't like hospitals very much…"

Vanya came back with Five's shirley temple and he took it from her. "I got you a fortune cookie too." She placed the cookie on the table beside his bed. 

Five beamed at her and cracked open the cookie. "You should have gotten the fish. Huh." He tossed the fortune aside and shoved the cookie into his mouth. 

Five already had squishy cheeks from his puppy fat and his mouth being full of cookie only exaggerated them. Allison thought it was the cutest thing she had ever seen ever. 

He scowled when he noticed her staring at him. "Whhmp?" Five meant to ask "what" but he was still chewing. 

"Nothing, you're just really cute." Allison said, sadness mixed in with her motherly tone. 

He flipped her off and Vanya laughed. "She's right, you know."

Five turned to scowl at her instead. 

\-------

After Five had been visited by Diego and Luther, he was sipping another Shirley Temple, waiting. He was waiting for his tests to come back. Darcy said it was obvious that he had some form of neurodivergency and they should figure out what it was. 

Five sighed and flopped back against his pillows and teddy bear when there was a knock at the door. He perked up. Was Allison back? Did Luther get him another stuffed animal? Did Diego forget his brain?

Darcy peeked through the doorway. "Hey Five! Paws for Healing showed up for a visit!"

This sounded like a very good thing. Darcy came in with another woman who was holding a small golden retriever. This was a very good thing. 

Five beamed as the animal handler set the dog on the end of the bed and it instantly ran up to him, pressing its nose against his cheek. "He likes me!" He exclaimed happily, petting the dog's ears. 

"Mr Pennycrumb's a therapy dog, he can tell you're in emotional distress."

Five blinked as Mr Pennycrumb licked his cheek. "Shit." He turned to the dog. "Awww am I mentally unstable? Yes I am! Yes I am!" He said, using the baby voice most people use to talk to dogs.


	5. My Deteriorated Form

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for ableism and child abuse

Since leaving the hospital, Five only left his room to use the bathroom and get more food. His siblings didn't interact with him much, apart from Allison who checked on him every hour. If she couldn't take care of her daughter, she would do the next best thing. 

Diego was never good with people so he avoided Five, Klaus would only talk to him on the rare occasion both of them were conscious and functional, Vanya and Grace would make food for Five and Luther hadn't left their father's office since they came back from the hospital. 

Hargreeves had to have written something about Five's… Luther didn't know what to call it. Five's differences. Sure, that worked. His father surely would have realized there was something different about Five, after all the Monocle was a brilliant man.

It had taken an impossibly long time for Luther to find anything of interest, let alone anything about Five. Since he had run away so early, Reginald had much less research on him. A few scraps of paper here and there, the boy’s name scrawled on the inside of a book about mental disorders; not enough to get any information on Five's condition. 

He spent the first day going through the bookshelf, hoping to find something before he had to look through the desk. Luther knew their late father was a bad person but he still felt bad about violating his privacy. 

Under all of the useless books in the draw, there was a small stack of papers that looked like they had been ripped out of a book. Possibly a large, old leather bound journal. 

**June 19, 1990.**

**Number Five still has not spoken yet, his siblings are above him in this regard. I wonder if he has brain damage.**

**July 18, 1991.**

**Number Five still hasn't said his first word. I suspect he never will.**

Luther flipped through the pages. Five had obviously started talking at some point. 

**October 4, 1991.**

**Number Five said his first word: Fuck. I cannot imagine where he heard it from but obedience will be trained into him.**

**December 11, 1991.**

**Number Five has started sucking his thumb and kicking his feet when upset. Disgusting behavior.**

Frowning, Luther skimmed through the pages, looking for something that was helpful. 

**April 6, 1993.**

**Number Five is displaying traits of Autism Spectrum Disorder. Apparently his kicking and biting are "stimulating habits." They can be trained out of him.**

**April 7, 1993.**

**Electroshock therapy and aversive punishment seems to have an effect on Number Five.**

\-----

Number Five sighed, kicking his feet which were dangling above the ground as his chair was much too big for a four year old. 

"Number Five," The cold and demanding voice of his father reprimanded. 

Five stopped kicking. He hated his new training, which was just sitting still. He didn't like sitting still, he wanted to go play with One or colour with Vanya. 

The seconds ticked by. Five stared at the shiny black metal cane his father was holding and instinctively hugged himself. Reginald cleared his throat and Five moved his arms back to his side. 

This was hell, this was literally hell. He couldn't do this, his brain was going to break. Five hesitated. His father was still looking down at him. He still held the cane. 

Five wiggled in his seat, almost imperceptibly. That felt better. Not a lot better, but still better. He tapped one of his fingers on the seat. Still better. 

Reginald pulled his pocket watch out of his blazer to check the time and Five took the opportunity. He kicked his feet, waved his hands and shook his head. This was much better, this was wonderful, this was-

Number Five wailed in pain as the hard metal handle of Reginald's cane collided with his ribcage. 

"Another twenty minutes, Number Five. And stop crying," His father said coldly, not a single hint of remorse in his voice. 

Five hugged himself, still crying. "Stop- stop hitting me…" his voice was shaking almost as much as he was. 

Reginald crouched down in front of the small boy. "How else will you learn to behave? Now sit. Still."

Number Five sniffled and wiped his eyes. He could do another twenty minutes. He could do it. 

Five could feel a bruise forming under his shirt next to the collection of them across his ribcage and stomach. Tears were filling up in his eyes again and he ignored them. Reginald would probably punish him for wiping his eyes. 

He was going to be good. He could behave, for another twenty minutes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one gets to be happy :) ever :)


	6. I Wouldn't Be Surprised If He Had Women On The Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The family finds out and Diego and Klaus are dumb as hell

Luther decided to tell the rest of the family about what he found in Reginald's journal and after the call Allison got from the hospital, Five was confirmed as autistic.

The entries about him being hurt though? Those remained buried in the desk. Luther didn't know if Five would remember them and he didn't want to bring back painful memories when Five already had so many. 

Luther knocked on his door. "Hey Five? We're having a family meeting."

It was a few seconds before the door opened. "Why, is mom plotting to poison Diego? I don't blame her if she is."

She wasn't but Luther made a mental note to use one of Allison's roofie testers in Diego's food. "Um, no, it's about you."

"Ah, an intervention. Will there be refreshments?"

"Vanya made cookies."

Five beamed. "Then I'll be there."

Twenty minutes later the whole family was sitting at the kitchen table, apart from Grace who was standing protectively behind Five with her hands resting on his shoulders which he surprisingly didn’t mind. Since her hands weren’t made out of human skin, he didn’t consider it to be like normal touch. 

Luther shifted in his seat awkwardly before he started talking. “So I was looking in dad’s office and I found-”

Diego said “porn” at the same time Klaus said “drugs” and Vanya giggled. 

Allison glared at all of them. “It’s about Five, dumbasses. Hargreeves’ notes and the hospital both confirmed that Five has autism.”

Klaus nodded like he knew what he was talking about, levitating slightly above his chair. “I knew a girl with that. Pretty cool except for her meth problem.”

Five rolled his eyes. "Autism is a disability, Allison. Do I look like I'm disabled?"

She opened her mouth to protest and Five scowled at her. "Don't answer that."

Grace very gently squeezed his shoulders. "I think the doctor's right, dear. They are professionals, after all."

Vanya pushed the plate of cookies towards Five. "You're different, Five. We all are, it's okay."

He managed to keep a frown on his face the entire time he chewed his cookie. 

Diego finally said something other than a joke about their father's sex life. "Hey, don't disabled people get special dogs to help them with shit?"

Allison smiled gratefully at him. "Yeah, usually."

Five slammed his hands on the table. "What?"

Vanya latched onto the topic exciting him. "Mmhm! I bet we could get you Mr Penny- uh-"

"MR PENNYCRUMB!"

The plate with the cookies on it shattered and Vanya winced. "Sorry, powers are still weird. Yeah, we'll get you Mr Pennycrumb."

Five wiggled his hands quickly before disappearing in a flash of blue light. There was the sound of stomping from upstairs and an almost inaudible squeal before he reappeared in his chair, his hair messed up.

"Let's go get a puppy!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UwU short chapter but it sets up some funky shit


	7. He Only Eats Soft Food

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five, Allison and Vanya adopt a service dog

None of them had ever seen Five so happy and energetic before. He was teleporting every few feet on the walk to the car, coming back to cling to Vanya’s arm or to try and drag Allison to the car. 

Luther stayed at home because he “wanted to see if there was anything else in dad’s office,” but they all knew it was because he was nervous around people after being alone for so long. Diego and Klaus stayed because they had the task of puppy proofing Five’s room, which mostly consisted of getting rid of all of his drugs and weapons.

“Come onnn,” Five whined, pulling on the hem of Allison’s coat. “Let’s get my puppy!”

She laughed, reminded of Claire. “I can’t walk if you keep pulling on me, kiddo.” The nickname escaped before Allison could stop herself but Five seemed unbothered. 

He sighed dramatically, teleporting to grab Vanya’s hand instead. Her hand was cold but her sweater was soft and thick so Five grabbed that instead, running his nails over it. “Hurry up, Vanny.”

Neither of his sisters hurried up so Five teleported into the backseat of the car, kicking his feet against the leather upholstery. Rolling her eyes, Allison opened the car door and got into the driver’s side, offering shotgun to Vanya who instead plopped into the back seat next to her brother. 

Five beamed at her and started running his nails over her sweater again. Vanya laughed lightly, looking down at him. “You like that, don’t you?”

He nodded. “It feels nice.”

As Allison started the car, Five’s hands traveled up Vanya’s arm and ended up in her hair. At first he didn’t notice the difference and kept running his fingers through it before he started subconsciously braiding Vanya’s long black hair. The tiny size of his fingers made it easy for Five to make small twists and unravel knots in his sister’s hair as he worked. 

Vanya poked his arm about twenty minutes later and he blinked, coming back to himself. “What’s happening?” Five asked, confused by the new surroundings. 

Vanya very gently pulled his fingers out of her hair. “We’re going to get you a puppy, Five.” 

He blinked, his fingers still moving as if he was braiding hair. “Right. Right! Puppy! Mr Pennycrumb!” His previous exuberance came back as soon as he remembered what was happening and Five scrambled out of the car, grabbing Vanya's arm again. 

Vanya ruffled his hair and led him after Allison into the service animal adoption center. 

There was a blonde woman at the front desk and Five stepped behind Allison. The woman didn't have red lips or scary teeth but it was better to be cautious. He let go of Vanya's arm and took a deep breath. 

Five was here for Mr Pennycrumb. He was going to get his puppy and then go home. This was okay. He was okay. 

Allison approached the front desk and smiled her winning "I'm an important person who you're going to love" smile. "Hi there, we made an appointment under the last name Hargreeves?" Her voice sounded overly cheerful but men and women alike would always eat it right up. 

The receptionist smiled and Five shrank behind Allison. Her smile wasn't a nice one. "Oh, of course! For you, your son and your wife, right?"

Vanya blinked. "Oh, um-" She hadn't expected that. They were technically both Five's legal guardians, but they were siblings not spouses. "Her wife?"

"Mmhm! Allison and Vanya Hargreeves," the receptionist said brightly. 

Five laughed for the first time in a while, standing up on his tiptoes to see over the counter. "They're my sisters not my moms. Vanya can do way better than her."

Allison gave him a look and Vanya giggled as the receptionist looked embarrassed. "Oh! Well I'll get you three to see a doctor then."

Five dropped back down to stand normally and scowled. He still hated doctors with a burning passion but he wanted his puppy. 

He grabbed the bottom of Allison's coat and followed her, Vanya and the receptionist into the next room. It was a long hallway and there was the sound of dogs barking and he smiled to himself. Dogs made good sounds. 

Five recognized the volunteer from the hospital talking to a girl sitting in a wheelchair who was holding the leash for a German Shepherd. He waved at the volunteer and she smiled at him. That was enough human interaction for one day. 

The girl in the wheelchair left with her dog and parents before the volunteer approached Five. "Hey Number Five, remember me?"

"You're from the hospital," he said, stepping behind Allison's legs. Five didn't need physical human contact today. 

The volunteer seemed to understand he didn't want to get close to her so she turned to Allison. "Hi, I'm Parker and I work with paws for Healing. You're here to get a service dog, yeah?"

Allison nodded. "Yeah, we wanted to get one for Five and-"

"Mr Pennycrumb," He corrected. He didn't just want any dog. "We want to get Mr Pennycrumb."

"He's pretty attached to the dog," Vanya explained. 

Five nodded, his nails digging into Allison's coat. 

Parker smiled. "That's normal. Mr Pennycrumb is trained in emotional support and handling panic attacks, emotional breakdowns and autistic meltdowns." She looked through her clipboard and turned to Five. "And lucky for you, he's available for adoption!"

He smiled, still standing behind his sister. "Good. I want my puppy."

"And your puppy you shall have."

On their way to get Mr Pennycrumb, Five started coming out from behind Allison and he was walking in front of both of his sisters by the time they reached the dog's kennel. 

He really wanted his puppy.

Parker unlocked the kennel and scooped up Mr Pennycrumb, who sneezed. Five laughed and pressed a kiss to the dog's forehead after he was handed to him. "Hi puppy!"

Allison almost squealed at the sight. Mr Pennycrumb was almost the size of her brother and it was the cutest thing she had ever seen in her life. 

Vanya worked out the adoption papers while Five cuddled with Mr Pennycrumb and Allison watched. Every day she felt more like Five was her son than her older brother. 

She hesitated before finally saying "Can I touch you?"

Five looked up at his sister. "Oh, sure. Just don't touch my face."

"I won't." Allison reached out and took Five's hand, squeezing it gently. "Mr Pennycrumb has your smile."

The dog looked up when he heard his name, his tongue hanging out and Five laughed. "That's because he's my son." He squeezed her hand back. 

"Yeah? Who's the mother?" Allison asked jokingly. 

"There is no mother, I created him through mitosis." Five sounded completely serious until he laughed and kissed his dog's forehead. 

"A single dad, huh? That's rough."

Mr Pennycrumb barked as if agreeing and Allison scratched behind his ears. "Cute kid though, Number Five."


	8. A Shubunkin not an Oranda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five, Vanya and Allison go shopping with Mr Pennycrumb

It was Vanya's idea to go shopping, but Allison- always eager to spend more time pretending to be Five's mother agreed. Five didn't care what happened, he was happily sitting in the backseat with his adopted "son." 

Vanya was sitting next to Five in the backseat, looking through the list of commands and services Mr Pennycrumb was trained to do. "Apparently he can get meds for you and will let you know to sit down if you're having a meltdown," Vanya read from the booklet. 

Five scratched behind Mr Pennycrumb's ears and the dog licked his other hand. "He's a very smart dog. Aren't you, Mr Pennycrumb? Aren't you?"

Mr Pennycrumb barked and pressed his wet nose to Five's cheek. Giggling, He moved his face away from the dog's nose. 

"Was that a giggle I heard?" Allison asked incredulously, looking at Five in the rearview mirror. 

He scowled. "No. I don't giggle, I'm a dignified gentleman."

"An adorable gentleman," Allison teased, reaching her arm around to ruffle Mr Pennycrumb's fur instead of touching Five.

Mr Pennycrumb sneezes on her hand and Allison wiped her hand off on the leather seat. "And you're a nasty gentleman."

"A gentlepuppy," Vanya corrected. 

Five smiled and kissed Mr Pennycrumb's ears. "Just a little boy."

Vanya giggled and put her hand next to Five's, giving him the option to accept or refuse touch. He hesitated before putting his hand on Vanya's. Smiling, she rubbed her thumb over the back of her older brother's much smaller hand. 

Five's breath hitched, causing Mr Pennycrumb to nose Vanya's hand off his. She understood and moved her hand back into her lap but Mr Pennycrumb curled up and lay down on Five's hands, watching Vanya with his big brown eyes. 

Allison "awwww"ed softly from the driver's seat. "He's trying to protect you, that's so cute."

Five pulled Mr Pennycrumb into a hug. "He's cute, I'm not."

Neither of his sisters agreed but they didn't say anything. 

Five sighed and flopped against the seat. "Where are we even going?"

"We need to get stuff for Mr Pennycrumb. All we have is his vest and leash, so we need to get food, toys and other shit," Vanya explained, watching the dog mushing his paws on the seat. 

"He only eats soft food," Five said and Mr Pennycrumb barked as if agreeing.

"We'll get him some good stuff," Vanya replied and booped the dog. 

Mr Pennycrumb stretched, his claws clicking against the leather. He snuggled into Five's lap, pressing his nose into the boy's hand. 

Twenty minutes later, Allison pulled the BMW into the pet store parking lot. "Five? Do you have Penny's leash?"

She turned around to see Number Five flopped across Vanya's lap with Mr Pennycrumb in his arms. "Aww-" Allison covered his mouth with her hands and cooed. 

Vanya poked Five's shoulder gently. "Five? Wake up."

Mr Pennycrumb put his nose in Five's ear and started licking his face. Instantly, Five sat up. "Wh- what's happening?" 

Mr Pennycrumb barked and put his hands on Five's shoulder, licking his face again. 

"We're shopping, Five." Allison smiled and unlocked the car doors. "Shall we?"

"We shall," Five said as he climbed out of the car. He didn't grab Mr Pennycrumb's leash though. It was one of the leashes for service dogs that clips around your body so you'll always have your dog near. Five just stayed by the car, shaking his hands behind his back. 

"Do you need help?" Vanya asked, crouching down next to her brother. 

Five folded his arms across his chest. "I can do it by myself," he said to the ground. "but you could help…"

"I got you." Vanya took the leash and wrapped it around Five's waist, clipping it together.

"Thank you, Vanya." Five scooped up Mr Pennycrumb and set him down on the pavement. The dog instantly started sniffing around his feet, his tiny nails clicking on the pavement. 

Five giggled. "He sounds like a tiny pony."

Allison beamed, feeling more motherly than ever. "A little pony for a little prince."

Her oldest brother rolled his eyes but the corner of his lips twitched as he followed his sisters into the pet store, skipping slightly. 

Five was absolutely bubbly. He was stimming and bouncing on the balls of his feet. Mr Pennycrumb was walking behind him, making sure his owner didn't need anything. 

As soon as they were in the store, Five made a beeline to the dog section. "I want to get a pink dog bed for him!" Five's voice would get louder when he was happy, making up for his tiny size with an exuberantly bubbly voice. 

Allison pushed a cart over to her brother. "Pick out some stuff, little prince."

Vanya grabbed Allison's arm and hoisted herself into the shopping cart seat, struggling to fit her legs through the holes. "I'm the baby here."

Allison rolled her eyes and dumped her purse on her sister's lap. "You're a huge help," she said sarcastically, poking Vanya's head. 

Vanya scowled and stuck her tongue out. "I'm a delight."

"You're a monster among women," Five deadpanned, dropping a dog bed and cans of dog food into the cart. 

It took them less than ten minutes to get everything they needed. A dog bed, dog food, extra leashes, plenty of toys, waste bags, dog booties that made Allison's heart melt and a travel kennel that barely fit in the cart. Allison pushed the cart with their merchandise and sister in it to the cash register and Five wandered through the rest of the store with his puppy. 

He got lost in the bunny and hamster section, pressing his hands against the glass cages. There was a big black lop bunny that Five wanted to hold, so he started wandering through the store looking for an employee. He was instantly distracted by the frogs and forgot all about the bunny while he watched the frogs jumping around the tank. 

"Five! We're leaving!" Allison called out and Five blinked, coming back to his surroundings. 

He hurried through the aisles with Mr Pennycrumb, accidentally bumping into a tank. Five backed away and his eyes locked onto an orange creature. 

A shubunkin goldfish. 

Five's heart jumped into his throat and whimpered softly, backing away from the tank. Mr Pennycrumb patted his owner's knees, trying to get him to sit down. The dog barked, trying to get Five's attention. 

**_"I'm a shubunkin, not an oranda."_ **

He was going to faint, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe- 

Mr Pennycrumb barked louder, pulling Five down to sit on the floor. 

Allison heard the barking and hurried over. "Five? Are you- Oh my God-"

**_"You'll find I can be very persuasive, Number Five."_ **

Five was pulling at his hair, his nails digging into his skin hard enough to draw blood. Mr Pennycrumb barked again, putting his paws on Five's shoulders to stop him from hurting himself. 

**_Cold hands. Cold strong hands._ **

Someone was yelling for someone else to call 911. The shubunkin made a few bubbles, swimming around its tank. 

He did that when he was angry at him. 

Five made a strangled noise of fear, his breath shaking. He hadn't noticed the salty hot tears sliding down his face until a few slipped into his mouth. 

**_"Another failure. I see."_ **

He collapsed forward, his head only stopped from smacking onto the floor by the golden retriever sitting between him and the hard surface. 

Mr Pennycrumb fulfilled his purpose, Number Five didn't. Number Five couldn't do anything. 


	9. Well It Would If You Were Smarter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five gets discharged from the hospital and hates himself a bit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw for internalized ableism

"Welcome back, Mr Hargreeves."

Five blinked, staring around the room. He was back in the hospital room from his previous visit. There were the same blankets, the same tired looking nurse Darcy and Allison asleep in the chair next to the bed. Five felt some kind of strong feeling toward the purple haired girl curled up there. Not love, he wasn’t able to feel love anymore but something close to it. He liked Allison- yes, that was it. He appreciated her being there. 

“What happened?” He asked Darcy. Five had an idea of what had landed him in a hospital bed the second time that week but he wanted to be sure. Traumatic memories were a hard thing to hold onto.

“You collapsed and started seizing in a pet store,” she explained. “Probably would have cracked your head open if Mr Pennycrumb wasn’t there.”

The dog looked up at the sound of his name, noticing that his owner was awake. Mr Pennycrumb hopped up onto the bed and curled up protectively on Five’s lap. 

Five scratched behind his ears distractedly. He felt another strong feeling which he labeled as embarrassment. He had fainted in public- again. 

What would his employer say if he could see him now? Five quickly pushed the thought away. He couldn’t see him right now- he had no idea where Five was, and it was going to stay that way. 

Allison blinked blearily in her seat and her eyes rested on her now conscious brother. “Five, oh god-” she made to grab his arm, thought better of it and moved her hands back to her lap. “How ya feeling, buddy?”

Five didn’t know how he felt. He was reasonably safe in the hospital, he trusted Darcy as much as he could trust anyone who wasn’t in his family and was also a nurse, but there was the overwhelming feeling of unease. If they could watch him in the apocalypse, they could watch him here. And if they could watch him, they could take him and if they could take him-

Mr Pennycrumb nuzzled his nose against Five’s neck, pulling him out of his increasingly panicked thoughts. Five hugged his dog tightly, staring off into the distance, Allison’s question forgotten. He was safe.

For the time being, at least.

Five was discharged from the hospital once they were sure he wasn’t going to pass out again or try to throw himself down the stairs, but instead of Allison and her BMW that matched her vibrant hair, Hermes was parked in the hospital loading zone. 

Five followed Vanya into the backseat of the car and stared at the driver. “Luther? You can drive?”

His brother adjusted the rearview mirror. “Yeah, it’s just like a spaceship.”

“You’re parked illegally,” Vanya giggled.

Luther put the vintage car in drive and pulled out of the parking lot. “Almost like a spaceship.” 

Five curled up in the backseat, noticing the wrapped basket next to him for the first time. “What’s this?”

"A housewarming gift for your dog," his brother explained, looking for Five's reaction in the rearview mirror. 

Five couldn't tell if he was joking or not. "Can I open it? You know, since he can't really."

"Go ahead, Bug."

Bug. He blinked. Five remembered that nickname but he wasn't sure from where or when. Bug was something from a long time ago, a memory he wasn't supposed to have. 

His childhood was a blur for the most part. Vague ideas of family and the concept of a home, but the rest was blurred together so much he could never unpack it fully. It felt like Five's life had started when he appeared in 2019 as a chubby ten year old so childhood nicknames made almost no nostalgic affect on him. 

Luther noticed Five's apathy to the nickname and turned back to the road. "Give Mr Pennycrumb a hug from me."

Vanya scratched the puppy's ears while Five unwrapped the basket. There was a box of chocolate chip cookies, a tin of fancy coffee, a copy of The Princess Bride, more cookies in different flavours, a box of chocolate and finally, a box of things labeled "fidget toys."

"You know Mr Pennycrumb can't eat chocolate, dumbass?" Five asked, ripping open the box of chocolate. 

"Aw, I guess you'll have to eat them for him," Vanya offered, taking one of the chocolates from Five. 

"I suppose," he agreed, putting two chocolates in his mouth. 

His sister giggled. "You look like one of those goldfish with the puffed up cheeks."

Five dug his nails into his jacket and Mr Pennycrumb quickly curled up on his lap, licking his hand. "An Oranda." 

"Yeah, one of those bitches," Vanya agreed, grabbing the box of fidget toys out of the basket. "Fidget toys. What are these supposed to be?"

Luther glanced at his sister in the rearview mirror. "They're supposed to help with autism, I think."

Five scowled at the box. He didn't need help with his… he didn't like to think the word, the condition, his abnormality. It made him think of screaming children, overbearing mothers, traumatized teenagers and nobody listening to what he wanted. Five wasn't autistic, he was… 

His scowl darkened and he dug through the basket, grabbing a peanut butter cookie and shoving it into his mouth. Five was just different. Very different but that was okay. He wasn't disabled but he was different. 

The idea of disability made him uncomfortable. He had been raised to be perfect in every sense of the word and perfection left no room for disability. It was a weakness, a vulnerability, something that made him lesser than. 

Five kicked the back of the seat hard and chewed his cookie with as much spite as anyone could put into a cookie. He wanted to go home and dig through Klaus' bedroom until he found something to take the edge off everything. People kept bringing up everything that made him uncomfortable. 

Vanya noticed the scowl on her oldest brother's face and frowned slightly. His moods could be set off by the smallest things, most of which were virtually undetectable. "You okay, buddy?"

Five glared at her. "Dammit Vanya, I'm not your child or you fucking pet!"

She flinched and folded her hands into her lap shakily. "Yeah, I know that, Five. You're an adult and you can take care of yourself."

Five regretted yelling at her but he wasn't about to touch that situation. Pulling Mr Pennycrumb onto his lap, Five spacial jumped out of the car and out of sight. 

Luther looked back at Vanya. "What the hell was that about?"

She sighed and hugged herself. "I don't know, big guy."


	10. Like A Malignancy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five and Allison do some talking  
> Mr Pennycrumb gets peanut butter

Klaus was many things and fortunately for Number Five, predictable was one of them. Instead of throwing out the drugs and alcohol he had taken out of Five's room, he had hidden in the back of the closet in his childhood bedroom, under the secret loose floorboard. 

Five crouched down on the hardwood floor, sliding his tiny fingers between the floorboards in an attempt to pry them apart. The boards were wedged together tightly either from gravity or something else, refusing to move. 

Deciding that he would be unable to lift the board on his own, Five spacial jumped to Diego's room and snatched a bowie knife off the desk before returning to Klaus' room. If this wouldn't lift the board then nothing would. 

Five shoved the blade into the gap between the boards, wiggling it and trying to lift up the board. The knife slipped and he felt stabbing pain in his thumb. 

"Shit-" He dropped the knife, blood running down the cut in his thumb. Five hissed in pain and wrapped his thumb in his shirt, putting pressure on the wound with his other hand. 

He'd have to leave the room, probably have to see Grace for a band-aid or maybe even stitches. Sighing, Five got to his feet still holding his thumb tightly and stepped into the hallway. 

"Miss Hargreeves? I, uh… shit happened," he called, wiping blood off on his shorts. 

Grace didn't answer but another miss Hargreeves did. Allison stepped out of Five's bedroom and closed the door behind her. "Hey Five, I didn't expect you to be back so soon. You feeling okay?"

Five held up his hand, blood running down his wrist. "Not exactly. Could you uh, help me out?"

His sister made a strangled sound and quickly crouched down to his height, holding Five's arm gently so she could examine his cut. Although Allison hadn't done anything with her medical education, it did come in handy with the family's regular injuries. "Christ, Five… you'll be fine without stitches but you shouldn't use this hand for a few days. How did this happen?"

Five hesitated. "Uh… accidentally?"

His sister narrowed her eyes. "Hm. Well let's just fix you up first and then get you and Mr Pennycrumb some food? After he finishes his nap." 

He nodded and followed Allison into the bathroom before sitting on the edge of the bathtub. Watching her take out the first aid kit and select the proper tools, Five spoke up again. "Do you think I'm autistic?"

Allison poured rubbing alcohol onto a cotton ball. "That's what the doctor said. This is going to sting a bit"

The injured boy winced slightly as she cleaned his wound. "Yeah but… it's a disability and I'm…" he trailed off, watching Allison work. 

"Autism affects people in different ways, Five," she explained with her calm doctor voice as she dropped a bloody cotton ball into the garbage can. "Yours affects you with sensory overloading, texture issues and sometimes you go nonverbal, yeah?"

Five nodded. "Yeah. I don't want to be disabled though."

"I understand that. It's hard to be different but we've always been different." Allison finished cleaning his cut and started bandaging his thumb. "And if you didn't have autism, you wouldn't have Mr Pennycrumb, right? So it's not all bad."

Five smiled sadly and squeezed Allison's hand with his uninjured one. "Yeah, I guess."

"Exactly." She finished bandaging him and was about to press a kiss to it before she stopped herself. Five wasn't her daughter, no matter how much he reminds Allison of her. "What do you want for dinner?" She said quickly to cover her mistake. 

Her brother rubbed the back of his neck, staring at the floor. "A peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich…?"

Allison smiled and put the first aid kit away before getting to her feet. "Alright, Five. What does Mr Pennycrumb want?"

Five rolled his eyes. "An entire ham, what do you think?"

"Aw shucks," his sister laughed, tucking her purple hair behind her ear. "Well we're fresh out of Christmas dinners."

Number Five stifled a giggle. "You sound like a Scooby Doo character."

Allison beamed at him, opening the bathroom door. "Well jinkies, howsa bout we go get Scoobs?"

The tiny sixty year old rolled his eyes but followed his younger sister out of the bathroom to his bedroom, skipping slightly. Five was feeling much better than he had half an hour ago but he wasn't about to advertise that. Bad things always seemed to happen when he didn't hide his happiness. 

When they reached Five's bedroom, Mr Pennycrumb barked happily and instantly scampered over to his owner. Tail wagging frantically, the golden retriever snuffled around his feet as if making sure his owner was healthy from head to toe. When the dog was satisfied, he barked again and licked Five's bare knees. 

Laughing, he crouched down and scratched behind his ears. "Hey puppy. Did you have a good nap?"

Mr Pennycrumb barked again and nuzzled his nose into Five's hands, pushing his muzzle between them. Five kissed the dog's soft head before clipping his leash on. "Lunchtime, Mr Pennycrumb."

The boy and his dog followed Allison into the kitchen, watching her get out the ingredients for Five's sandwich. He climbed into one of the chairs at the kitchen table and scooped Mr Pennycrumb up into his lap, scratching behind his ears. 

"You wanna talk about what happened today?" Allison asked, spreading peanut butter on two slices of bread. She wanted to know what triggered his panic attack and near seizure in the pet store but she didn't want to outright ask. 

Five shifted awkwardly in his seat, scratching behind his dog's ears. "I probably shouldn't have yelled at Luther and Vanya, huh?"

Allison raised an eyebrow, opening the bag of marshmallows and handing one to him. "That's a hot take. And yeah, you shouldn't have; they're trying to help you."

He took the marshmallow and squished it in his hand, watching it spring back. "I don't want to need help," Five mumbled, popping the marshmallow into his mouth. 

Sighing, Allison held the peanut butter covered spoon in front of Mr Pennycrumb so he could lick it. "It's okay to need help, Five."

Five tapped his fingers on the table, hands shaking slightly. "I'm not supposed to need help, Allison. Look at the way we were raised, look at how I lived my entire life. If I need help then I…" 

He took his hands off the table and pulled them into his sleeves, staring at his dog. "I don't want to be disabled, Allison." 

She stopped putting the marshmallow on his sandwich and sat down at the chair closest to Five. "I know this isn't going to change your mind, but it's okay to be disabled. It's okay to need help and shit, Five."

Five sighed, pushing his hair into his face. "I'm not supposed to need help, Allison. I'm supposed to be useful."

His sister didn't say anything, sensing that he wanted to rant not get advice. Instead she got another spoonful of peanut butter for Mr Pennycrumb and sat down next to Five, focusing on the dog rather than her brother. 

"The whole reason I'm here is because I was useful," Five continued. "Because I was the best. Hell, the whole reason I'm alive. They don't tolerate substandard people."

Allison didn't know who "they" were but assumed they had something to do with whoever he worked with post apocalypse but pre coming home. "You're not substandard."

"I would be if I was disabled. Substandard to them, to society, to Hargreeves." Five sighed and scratched behind his dog's ears. "I know I shouldn't care about what he thinks but…" he trailed off, hand moving to the caning scars on his ribs that only he and Luther knew about. 

"I think we'll always care about what Hargreeves thinks," Allison agreed, dropping the second licked spoon into the sink. "He was our father, after all, if you could call him that."

"I know, but-" Five cut himself off with a huff, pushing his hair out of his face. He hadn't had a haircut since coming home and it was starting to get a bit shaggy. "He was such a shithead though. Remember when he locked Luther in that cage in the basement?"

"Which time?" Allison laughed sadly, running her fingers over the sealed over woodgrain of the kitchen table. "Daddy dearest did that quite a lot."

"God, this family is fucked. How about that sandwich, then?"


	11. No Expected To Rebel

The Hargreeves family almost unanimously decided that Five should go back to school. Allison, Vanya and Diego thought it would be good for him, Klaus wanted Five to stay out of his room and Luther just wanted Five to stop sleeping in his closet during the day and screaming in his sleep. 

"Sixth grade is the most mundane bullshit imaginable," Five huffed, curling up in the back seat of the BMW.

Klaus took a sip from his flask. "Haven't you had like, three seizures?"

"And? Is that supposed to be exciting? The thrill of medical horror in a pet store." Five rolled his eyes. "Seizures are boring and annoying. You ever hit your head on a dog?"

Mr Pennycrumb looked up at the mention of him and tilted his head in an oh so human way. 

Five pressed a kiss to his forehead. "I don't blame you, sweetie pie. Klaus is just a dumb stupid bitch."

Allison snapped her fingers from the front seat, making Five jump. "Language, kiddo."

He rolled his eyes and stuck his tongue out at her. "I'm not twelve."

"More like eight," Klaus joked. 

"You are the bane of my existence."

Mr Pennycrumb sneezed on Klaus and curled up on Five's lap, pushing his nose into his owner's stomach. Five smiled and scratched behind his ears. 

The BMW pulled up in front of his school and Five groaned internally, hugging his dog to his chest. 

"You ready?" Allison asked, looking back at him. 

He sighed and pressed his face into Mr Pennycrumb. "Yeah, alright." 

His sister offered her hand to Five as he climbed out of the car and he scowled, ignoring it. Mr Pennycrumb licked Five's exposed knee and barked happily as he followed his owner and Allison into the school. Despite the service dog, familiar hooks of anxiety were clawing into Five's stomach. He pushed them down as he followed Allison through the horrific school hallway but hooks are hard to remove and you have to do it carefully so they stayed. 

"Have you made any friends?" Allison asked, looking down at Five hopefully. 

"Have you made any friends?" He mimicked. Spite was his go to response when stressed. "Actually yeah, her name's Dolly. Like the singer."

Allison gave him a look. "You listen to country music?"

Five shrugged. "Everyone's heard Jolene and I love blonde women. She reminds me of Mrs Hargreeves."

"You can call her mom, you know. She is your mom," his sister offered. 

He rolled his eyes and looked off into the distance like he was on The Office. "My mom sold me for cocaine in the 80s, Allison. Mrs Hargreeves is not my mother." They reached Five's classroom door and he straightened his plaid circle skirt. "Well, this is me. Good day, Allison."

She rolled her eyes. "See you, Mr Gatsby. Have fun with fractions and macaroni art."

He laughed and pushed open the door. "Jokes on you, I love that book."

Five attempted to slip quietly to his seat but the yellow plaid skirt and jacket paired with a fluffy dog wasn't very inconspicuous. Mr Roux smiled at him and gestured to the front of the classroom. "Would you like to introduce your dog to all of us?"

Five smoothed the front of his yellow vest and sighed. "His name is Mr Pennycrumb, he is my son and he is trained in throat ripping out. Mr Pennycrumb is my service dog for… reasons." He scowled and crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm not disabled, I'm… Mr Pennycrumb is."

Mr Roux blinked and took a sip from his coffee. "Your dog is disabled?"

Five laughed awkwardly. "No, um- he's- he's in training. I'm training him to be a service dog. I'm normal."

"Alright then, take a seat," His teacher said, getting to his feet. 

Five nodded, plopped down in his seat and lifted his dog into his lap. Dolly waved at him and he waved back before lifting up Mr Pennycrumb's paw and making him wave too. She giggled, making Five smile. 

"You still look like a girl," Jacob said, prompting an eye roll from Dolly and Five. 

"He looks like Cher from Clueless," the blonde girl said, pushing her hair back. "Duh."

Five smiled and ruffled Mr Pennycrumb's ears. "I like 90s movies."

They had art class that day, something Five excelled at. Not from an educational standpoint per say but from the standpoint of an old man who needed hobbies and cosplayed. He liked his art and that's what mattered to him. 

Crayons and watercolours were his preferred medium because acrylics stained his clothes and Five was very particular about his appearance. The blue and yellow were coming together nicely without smudging into each other and making green. 

Mr Roux glanced at Five's work and nodded. "Starry night, huh? That's coming together nicely."

Five smiled around the periwinkle sticking out of his mouth. "Thanks. I've always had a flair for the creative."

"Anyone ever compare you to Van Gogh, Hargreeves?" The teacher asked, leaning down next to him. 

Five laughed and coloured in a star. "Yes, but only because I had my ear ripped off brutally in a gang fight." He pushed his hair away to show the stitch marks on his head. "Had to get it stapled back on, it hurt like a mother." 

Mr Roux smiled uncomfortably. "Let's work on keeping our conversations appropriate for school, okay kiddo?" 

He shrugged and recovered his scars. "The world isn't appropriate for school. When are we going to learn about revolts and Russian nobility getting decapitated?"

His teacher laughed awkwardly and got to his feet, quickly walking away from Five and going to check on another student. 

The blonde girl held up her painting of a cat with wings. "I made a magic kitty."

Five studied it closely before nodding. "Excellent attention to detail. You could make French advertisements."

The girl smiled at him. "I like french croissants. Especially the chocolate ones."

Jacob rolled his eyes. "Alex, all croissants are french."

Alex poked him. "Yeah, but Five's brain is broken or something."

Five's smile tightened. "Sorry what?" 

She nodded. "Yeah, that's why you need the dog. My cousin had one because his brain didn't work and he had freakouts like you did last week." 

He bit down on the crayon so hard it snapped. "Does he know?"

Everyone at the table stared at him, looking up from their work. Five rolled his eyes and spit out the chunk of crayon on the floor.

**Author's Note:**

> *cackles in autism*
> 
> honestly who didn't hate everyone in elementary school
> 
> anyways, please comment and leave kudos and shit


End file.
